How do you hold your head?

How do you hold your head?

Everyone's different.  I would say most people in public like to look up and see where they're going.  I'm not most people.

I tend to look down just ahead of my shoes.  I've said sorry for almost bumping into someone about a million times.1  I find I do it MOST when I am in a familiar place.  Where people might see me and know me and ask questions.

I so dislike the "How are you?" question.  That's my least favorite.  Partially because it truly feels like a GO TO question... not really sincere, it's just what you say when you see someone you know (I'm guilty of it), instinctual.  A starter question for a conversation we probably don't have time for.  If we had time we'd go to Starbucks and do it right.

I'm also pretty sure that people are relieved when I answer, "Fine."  God knows my thoughts can be scary to me some days... I know they scare my hubs.  No one else needs a piece of that...no one wants a piece of that.2

If you think somethings odd that you do and you don't change it, does that make it more odd, odd-er.3  I tend to follow my feet when I'm in a more familiar place then when I am in a new or rarely seen place.  At home going into Walmart it's head down, bulldoze through, get out... Put me in a new city or Disney World4 and I'm a big eyed country bumpkin totally in awe of the see-through doors in the parking garage's elevator or the buildings that are higher then 4 stories... Those are non-existent in my town... I love to travel, I love preparing to travel, researching where we are going and having an itinerary... sigh. 

I'm working on holding my head up regardless of my surroundings.  I catch myself doing it, consider my thoughts that are making me want to hide and force my head up, most days.  Some days the strength I used to go to the store and get the vitals for my family to keep going for a few more days is all the strength I have.

I've been fighting who I am, a big part of who I am for so long that it's even unfamiliar to me.  Being able to hold your head up means being able to accept who you are.  So in a figurative holding up of my head....

Here's who I am.  I am a woman that struggles with depression, anxiety, some phobias, insecurity about myself and the quality of mom I am.  I'm sure at least once a week my hubs is going to leave me because of my mental issues, some days I want to leave me because of my mental issues.  I enjoy making people laugh because that truly gives me a feeling of joy.  I make jokes about myself because I want to beat anyone else to it.  I'm goofy, open hearted, gullible, kind, passive-aggressive, tender hearted, exhausted, struggling, smart and a wife, mother, friend in that order.  I like big cities and I'm growing more confident about driving more than 2 hours away from my husband,  He's growing more confident about it too.  I have a 10 month old Yorkie named Penny.5 She is both adorable and at times a pain in my patootie.  My husband is my best friend.6  My girls are fascinating, intelligent, happy, polite, funny kids and I'm scared everyday they'll have too much of me in them.  I hope they never go to the places in their heads I've been in mine.  They are both so different from each other.  They both have their own likes, dislikes, and are so proudly themselves that I am amazed and also jealous sometimes.

I am me... I accept who I am..All my minuses and all my pluses.

What are you going to be for Halloween?  I'm going to be a nerd... well,,, a more obvious one.

Tootles,
Melissa

______________________________________________________________________________

1.If you're one of those someone's sorry again!
2.Well maybe a few in my inner circle like to see the inside of my head - but that's why they are the inner circle. They're weird like that.
3.Pretty sure odder is not a word because it's too close to otter and that would really cause a lot of confusion...but then I think of the phrase I've heard,"It's been one of my odder days..." and now I'm wondering if they actually said it's been one of my OTTER days and that I should have followed up on that....
4.Disney IS a magical place because when I'm there I not only look up but I talk to all kinds of different people.  Our last visit I met some Canadans from Ontario who only had a smidge of what I'd consider a Canadian accent (which is strangely a lot like the people in Fargo and that's not even IN Canada - I make no sense)and they said I had a really strong southern accent that I didn't know I possessed.  It's like a super power now.
5.Penny is precious in her complete and absolute love.  She can be a ray of light when I'm having a truly dark day.  It's like she senses that I need her to chase her tail.
6.I know cliche but true.

Me and my internet

Hi...

Ummm...

Anyone There?

At this point I'm pretty sure I'm typing to myself.  I guess to begin on the road of blogger, and stop just flirting with it, I have to be ok with that.  IF there is someone reading... I'm so glad you stopped by and I hope you can relate to my blog or it gives you insight... or just makes you LOL.  Tell a friend.  Tweet about it, I've heard the word "Twerk" but I'm not the hippest lingo mom and I'm not sure what that means.  It sounds dirty.  If it's not, go ahead and twerk the heck out of my blog.

I wish I could tell you that I come here everyday... but some days I struggle to shower.  On those days I'm going to pick shower over blog... It's necessary.  I am going to try for closer then 2-4 months though.  I like imagining people from everywhere reading what I write and getting a sense of company.  The amazing Jenny Lawson, author of "Furiously Happy" says that there is a tribe of mentally ill people (I think mostly women because men really don't like to share their feelings) that are united by the internet.  We can cheer each other on, empathize for a rough day or just shoot an emoji at someone that is weighing on our mind.  

It's over the internet because Internet(that's the internet's name after all) doesn't judge us.  I We can have Dorito cheesy fingers and still be in our PJ's at 2pm and Internet is still a gracious host.  Usually.  Occasionally Internet can be a brat and go out for no explainable reason causing me to have a small panic attack as I think of 50 million reasons I need the internet NOW.  I can tell you from personal experience unplugging, counting to 30 and then plugging it back in is some morbid ritual the bored techs at the cable company thought of to make their jobs more fun, "Ms. Holt, It's Bob again.  I know you've tried this 49,999 times but I can see nothing else wrong.  So I have something else that may work.  Please unplug (snicker) you're internet again (snicker snicker), rub the box on your head, twirl it like a basketball on one finger(snort, cough), rub the box on your butt till it's nice and toasty and then plug it back in.  That worked?  Great!! Thank You for choosing our cable service," and all you hear is like 15 people laughing as you hang up.... That's what I imagine sometimes.  One day I'm going to get that Bob.  Okay... maybe it wasn't 49,999 attempts and I may be exaggerating a smidge on what "Bob" ask me to do but it feels like it occasionally... especially when it takes longer than 30 minutes to fix itself.  Internet is oxygen some days.

Typical me note: I didn't write down a single of those "things" that were of serious importance, so now I can't remember what I needed to do and will now go window shop at zulily.com .  They have tons of stuff I want need.  I'm pretty sure I've earned it.  The other stuff I'll remember eventually.  Right?

Tootles,
Melissa H


P.s. After I posted I realized that I was not clear in one section of this post... I take SHOWERS every 3-5 DAYS.  I hope to increase my BLOGGING frequency to more then my current average of 2-4 MONTHS.  Totally being honest about the showers.  Hubs keeps track and will remind me.  I hope that made someone say phew.  

Winding Up July

Hello to all 4 of my followers and anyone else that stumbles across this post.  I felt that since it's been awhile since I posted I would go ahead and give a brief rundown of what the family's up to.  Since it's summertime the girls and I have a pretty laid back calendar and hubby is just as busy as always.

Starting with the hubs:  Between work being especially busy requiring overtime, condos that allow us to take fun vacations and Jujitsu that helps him de-stress and socialize.  He is one busy cookie.  I do not envy his schedule at all and I am thankful he's willing and eager to break from it so we can all go away together.

Now my turn:  I am recovering from ACL Surgery (Tore a tendon in my knee) and dreading looking forward to school starting.  When school starts we have to wake up at 5am so my 5 year old and 9 year old can be on their bus by 6:15ish.  I recently purchased a Erin Condren Planner (following the link will get you $10 off your first order) and admit I enjoy using it.  It has soooo much space and I have a justified reason to play with stickers.  It's even made meal planning feel like a more achievable goal.  I find I do much better and have much less anxiety with a physical planner that I can look at to see what's going on.

My Oldest Katie: She is going into 4th grade this year.  She has evolved over the summer and is more aware of how she looks.  She has to fru fru a bit just to take the dog on a walk("Really mom who knows who I might run into").  While it's neat to see her actually caring I am relieved that she also has no problems playing in the rain or catching frogs with her friend across the street.  She has a kind heart that immediately reaches out to someone she sees hurting or sad.  Her wit is going to get the better of her until she learns to switch from talking to my friends and talking to my mom.  She's my thinker, viewing her surroundings before she jumps in, not shy as much as cautious.  She is willing to be goofy and loves making others laugh. She's struggling to become a Big Kid and doesn't really even know what that means making it that much harder.  She only knows that's the next step and she's anxious to take it.  This year (bragging mama moment) she's been accepted to the gifted class, she's in the local community choir and wants to start more actively acting.  She wanted to do so professionally and after hubby and I talked to each other we told her that for now that was not an option.  There is a children's theater 45 minutes away that we may take a stab at though.

My Youngest Emily: She starts Kindergarten this year... my mommy heart aches for her.  She hasn't been away from me much in the 5 years she's been on this planet and 8 hours a day/ 5 days a week seems like so much!   While I know we'll both appreciate the break and probably appreciate each other more it's still daunting to me.  I went from work, to SAHM and now to SAHM with actual time on her hands.  Emily is my tester... It will be interesting to see how she reacts to the rules of school though she did excellent in preschool so we'll see.  She likes to go for it with 100% and suffer any consequences later.  Her imagination is awe-inspiring and knows no bounds.  For the 90% of the time she's awake she's laughing or talking.  She's an adorable sneak that will try to get forbidden food not realizing she's always being watched...  She's no longer allowed to just walk into the kitchen, she has to get permission.  It'll be interesting to see how she takes this bigger pond on.

 In a few days we will be going to see my dad and meet his new girlfriend and 2 of her kids.  It will be a quick trip and I'm looking forward to it.  Hubby's going with and all in all it should be a nice trip.

Off I go...I'll post again SOON!
Melissa

My Crossfit Journey

Hello!

On this final day of January (Only one more month of Winter!!). I wanted to share a slideshow with you that shows where I started and where I am after only 14 workout days at Average Joe's Crossfit.  Just follow the link to my google plus.  I couldn't get the slideshow to post directly here.

My Crossfit Journey

I hope you are inspired to make a change to healthier.  These pictures were taken over an 18 day period where I worked out at Average Joe's Crossfit every day I could.  Which made a total of 14 days.  My posting this is as much to inspire myself as to inspire you.  I need to remember where I was so I on my hard days I can remember where NOT exercising or eating healthier has gotten me.

Have a great day!

Melissa

The New Year choosing a New Me

Alrighty, here it is January 27th and I have decided I am not going to make a resolution this year.  I am going to make some new choices.  A resolution is forgotten as soon as it's made (for me at least) so I figure by making some choices and taking the steps needed to remember to make them (thank you Iphone and your many free "remind me" apps) this time next year I'll still be me but me 2.0 .

So what are the choices I am making and why?  Here you go:

 I have joined a Crossfit Gym (Box to those of you familiar with the lingo) and in just the first 2 weeks I have passed every limit I thought I had.  Over at Average Joe's Crossfit they are encouraging, supportive and they will push you past your predetermined limits to your actual limit.  Many a times I've been mentally waiting for my coach to pat me on the back and say,"ok you've tried hard enough you can quit now," and that has yet to happen. Instead my coach will start doing the exercise with me or start setting limits like, "Ok,  Only 100 meters left to row - no more stopping."  I am CHOOSING to work out at least 5 times a week and on my off days I will shuffle (somewhere between a walk and a jog and about as good as I can do right now) or go into the box and work on some techniques to improve my form and continue to get stronger. 

I am CHOOSING to eat healthier.   That's probably the hardest for me.  I am an emotional eater, a reward yourself eater, a you survived your day eater, and let's not forget every other reason I can think of to get a Dove Bar in my mouth eater.

So I had to make a choice to INTENTIONALLY eat healthier.  Some days are easier then others and a couple bouts of a miserable stomach have taught me that I can not feed my body healthy food and then a little of the super crappy food without consequences.  So MOST of my days are filled with healthy choices.  I can tell you that having a trainer or a box that you hold yourself accountable to helps too.  My coaches talk to me about healthy food choices and I know that if I eat that snickers bar my last 20 air squats were for nothing... THAT motivates me more then anything to eat healthy.  I'm not going to enjoy killing myself at crossfit and then turn around and blow it all away with junk food.  Now... does that mean these lips will never touch pizza again... no, not at all.  I have found the strength to limit myself and even on a few occasions say no thank you.  Also I'm only going to let myself have Dove Bars at my BFF's house when we go down to visit once or twice a year.

Ok, So my 3rd and probably hardest choice for the new year... Having very little crap food in the house and insisting that this lifestyle change is not for me alone but also for my husband (who's totally on board) and my daughters (My 8 year old is planning a revolution).  This means portion control (an especially hard thing for me and my oldest - we like to eat a lot of food when it's yummy), making the food we are eating as a family healthier (celery and fat free ranch for snack - or no snack - simple choice) and did I mention portion control?  As a whole we don't eat awful but we eat a lot of healthy and even that out of control can be unhealthy...  EVERYTHING is moderation.  Do they still get candy?  Yes but never more then 2 pieces a day.  Pizza is a once a week thing but we buy a little extra so there's leftovers for breakfast and lunch the next day.  This lifestyle change is not about denial but more about more healthier choices and MODERATION.

It took me a long time to learn but in only 10 classes and about 2 weeks of healthy eating look at the difference that's already so visible.  I feel like I've been a big ball of playdough, rolling here and there and getting by.  Now that I've made some changes in my LIFESTYLE I've been put into one of those playdough molds (for a size 12, confident, young-ish woman) and it's slloooowwwwly being pressed closed. All the extra unneeded playdough is slowly being pulled away to show who God originally intended to house my soul.  I'm more confident, getting better sleep, more active with my kids.

What choices will you make for the New Year? And why?

TTFN.
MELISSA

Is Angry ok?

Anger.

It's something we all feel at some point.  The pure anger we feel when someone we love is wronged or threatened.  Sometimes anger is justified and needed.  It fuels us forward to do what is right.

Sometimes it's not.  That's the dangerous kind of anger.  The one that gives the devil the foothold we are warned about in Ephesians 4:26-27 "Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life."(Message).  

I'm guilty of it.  The anger about why things aren't going the way they're supposed to.  The frustration when it seems God is not following "our" plan.  These are some of the questions I find myself asking myself - since I have the most sympathy for me:

"Why did this happen to me?"
"Why can't I do that?"
"Why am I being punished, overlooked, hurt?"
"Why don't I matter in the scheme of things?"

Sadly I confess it's been a really hard struggle for me lately.  There are things going on in my life right now that are so far outside what I would've ever considered "my path" that I feel some days like I am choking on the anger they can stir.  I just had one of those days recently and for the first time in awhile once my house was quiet I went to Bible Gateway to see what the Bible says about anger.  Instead of wallowing and ignoring I choose to go to the handbook God's left me here on Earth to get through these things.

You see I thought anger was by itself bad.  It's one of those words you whisper but not to anyone that might think poorly of you.  Heaven forbid anyone realize I have real things going on and have real emotions about them.  Oh what a scandal to find out that I am a God-Fearing, Loved-by-God in spite of it, human being.  Thankfully some of the first verses God showed me were about being angry but not letting it control you or make decisions for you.  That sometimes in anger you need to just stop and meditate on the Lord, and be still. (Psalm 4:4 NKJV)

I am ashamed of my anger.  It's like a poison.  I have ignored it so long that now I can get angry at being angry.  There are layers to peel away and I am working on them one by one.  What I am now doing different is asking God to show me the things I am ignoring. That's such a scary request but nonetheless necessary.  There are things I know I've intentionally blocked and I've gotten so good at ignoring/blocking them for so long that now that as the ice is cracking, and things are bubbling up, my mind is terrified of what's beneath because in all sincerity I don't remember it all.  I just remember that I don't want to remember, to own up, to admit those things that were to painful for me to sort out at the time.  It was easier for me to turn on my "Happy Christian" smile and do some standard Christian phrases:

"It's in God's Hands"
"God's will be done"
"I know God has a plan and a purpose for me"

All of them true but not heartfelt at the time.  Rather than  face up and say, " I am mad. I am angry.  I don't know how to handle it.  I don't know how to be mad about this.  This is not fair and I am mad and I am stuck in this angry place and I have no idea why God has allowed this to happen to me.  I was being such a good Christian."

I am realizing that right now to some extent the anger is protecting me.  I can't keep it there forever.  It's a cancer that I need to be taking steps to remove.  I am.  If I were to remove it all at once though, if I even had that ability, it would be like ripping off the bandages of a life-threatening wound.  It would leave me too raw and defenseless.  To some extent by peeling off 1 layer at a time I am allowing myself to prepare for what's coming next.  Allowing myself a moment to realize that peeling off the last layer may have stung a bit but it didn't kill me.

So..."Is Angry ok?"

I think so.  Sometimes it's necessary... a protective shield to help us sort out the things we can't all at once.  I can honestly say I know God is with me.  Psalm 118:6 tells me, "The Lord is on my side; I will not fear.  What can man do to me?" NKJV God is in my corner.  He knew this was coming and has put things in place to help me through.  I will not lash out in anger, I will not allow this to control my life and I will not allow myself to hide because of it.  I will face it, come out stronger, more self assured and closer to the Lord.

So I ask you this question: How do you handle your anger?

Stop Nagging - Encourage your kids independence AND Clean your house...

I believe they call it a win win win situation



If you have kids and you want them to do chores without having to sit on them and constantly nag this Chore System for the Kids over at "Home Made by Carmona" is the place to go.

She has a lot of neat prinables and
good  DIY and organization tips.

Before this I was at my wits end with Katie.  Actually had hubby talk to her a couple times because it was taking her 3 hours to do a 15 minute job.  I needed something that would allow her to be independant, would allow me to step back and retire my "Nag of the Year" title and would leave both of us happy and feeling like something was accomplished.

That's when (thanks to Pinterest) I stumbled across Carmona's chore list.  It's GREAT!  This is a wonderful system that you can customize to fit your children's ages, needs etc.  I made one for Katie's Morning routine (before tv can be turned on) one for her evening routine (before tv or ds can be played) and one for her daily chores.  She's really doing well on it and even managed to clean their bathroom rather well (she's "letting" me do the toilet and the tub).  Company could come over, close their eyes, be guided through the house to the guest bath and open their eyes IN THE GUEST BATH.  The rest of the house is not quite so company ready.  Her room is also so much more neat and clean.  She's 7 in 2 weeks folks and kicking housecleaning butt.  I believe this system helps keep her focused and on task while allowing me to step back.  She understands that she can not do electronics/play before her work is done.  What is truly awesome is that this morning as she did her chores and I did mine we were a team.  It was a good feeling.  I could also tell she was very proud that she had accomplished her list and that she had done so without my having to scold, rub my temples while counting to ten or threaten to throw every electronic away.  It has really made the entire process much more peaceful in our house.

So did you use it or do you have a similar system?  How is it working for you? or do you need something like this in your home to help things go smoother?

God Bless!
Melissa

Linked with the "More then Mommies Mixer"

Good Morning,

I am doing a link up party this morning and would encourage ya'll to go take a look.  It's a great oppurtunity to see some good blogs out there that you may not stumble across otherwise.

You know me I am all for mommy power!  They are hosting link up parties every other Friday so hop on over there and link up or just check out some of the blogs that have. 

God Bless!
Melissa

I did a Pinterest Pin!

And I am afraid I only took the AFTER pics.  With how easy these were to make though I am sure more are coming and next time I'll try to go bit by bit.

I made my girls each a Valentines Day Outfit.  I got the every so simple tutorial for the circle dress at Crafterhours Blog.  Her tip to google the answer to figuring out the radius was pure genius and I am sure it saved a couple brain cells.  The only thing I did different is I did a thick black elastic waist instead of the knit waist - mostly because my fabric is cotton and doesn't have the same give.  It still looks nice though and because it's a thick elastic and black it looks like it's a natural waist to the skirt.

Gee You think with the way they're posing they might be sisters?  I ended up adding some black leggings and plan to do a few more little tweaks to really personalize it but both dd's really like their outfits and are even more tickled that mommy made it for them.  I'll add the actual V_day shot that will have hair done and ready to go.  I am making some hair accessories and adding a few rosettes and the like.  Their shirts were extremely easy with some Heat&Bond Ultrahold...NO SEWING.  I just did a straight stitch around the edge to make it look more custom but absolutely not necessary,  To get my hearts and lettering I just got the look I wanted in word, outline only and printed it out.  VOILA...So.  EASY!!

Emi mad is so funny.

Aren't they adorable?

So have you been inspired to actually make something off of Pinterest lately?

Also making a matching mommy shirt (no circle skirt for these hips...I'm on a budget.)I'll post it when I finish it up.  Alrighty - Off I go!!






God Bless!
Melissa

My Girls, Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

As my "babies" birthday's approach (they are 4 years 4 days apart so I get to get all my mushy nostalgic stuff out in one great big gush each year) I keep having flashbacks.  Katie will be turning 7 and Emily will be turning 3 and most of their baby is gone.

Katie at about 9 months old.
Look at her hair!

My oldest Katie was a happy baby.  She hit the ground running.  Unlike most babies she was not (and never has been) one to test the water before she jumped in feet first.  She rolled, sat, crawled, pulled up and started walking all with seemingly no effort.  She did not rock in the crawl position and then tentatively take off.  She decided one day she would crawl and then she did.  She decided to walk and she did.  The dear girl even decided one day she would be a "big girl" and pee pee in the potty a month shy of turning 2 and with the exception of a few expected accidents she did.  A method that has worked well in some ways and in others I have to remind her that she has not always been able to do everything.  Some things have to be learned and practiced to gain skill.

As she's gotten older she has blossomed into a girl that loves life and everyone that's blessed her by being in it.  She's smart, kind, patient, has a magic touch with her younger sister and is the friend that cries because your crying.  She loves bows, makeup (for play only - though it does not stop her from trying to talk me into letting her wear it "out"), dresses and painting her nails in unique and exciting ways (thank you pinterest :) ).  She likes to do all those delightfully girly things but she also likes to go outback and literally become a mud monster with her friends, see who can catch the most lizards and have races with her friends regardless of how sweaty she gets.  She is goofy, loves to make anyone laugh and will stick up for a friend even if it costs her "cool points.  She has a tender heart and wears it boldly on her sleeve.  She has never met a stranger a fact that reminds me of my Papa and terrifies me at the same time.  Don't get me wrong...she's not perfect.  She's almost 7, it's unfair she has to do ALL the chores around here (yes I let her live after that statement), the same drive that had her just crawling away from me one day with no warning can frustrate her when math does not just come easy and she is often has to be reminded that life is not fair - nor has anyone promised it would be.  She's getting to a sharing stage and we are having more real life conversations.  We talk about her life, my life, the things we have going on and how they make us feel.  Most school days we have 30 minutes of just curling up on the couch watching TV and it's a special "us" time.

She's holding "Jingles"
who she still adores today.

Emily was a surprise.  We had decided Katie would be our only and accepted it, fully prepared to be a family of 3 and VOILA I discovered I was pregnant.  Both my hubby and Katie did a happy dance when the ultrasound determined that "it" would be a girl (Katie doesn't understand why people want to have boys) .  Katie had the final choice on Emily's name and it fits her perfectly.  Emily is more tentative and wants to test the water 2-3 times before she jumps in.  She has never been in a hurry to grow up and has taken each milestone gradually.  Unlike Katie, when Emily decided to crawl we knew for weeks it was coming because she started by getting on her hands and knees.  Once she had that down she started to rock, once she could do that without tumbling we had our first couple attempts at moving around.  Though unlike Katie who was content to stay within the limits we set for her, Emily has pushed against the lines from the minute she was expected to stay in them. 

I think if Emily had been our first born she would definitely be more of a hide behind mommy kind of kid but with her Big sis grabbing her and dragging her into the limelight she's had no choice but to adapt.  She's full of life and demands a smile from anyone she sees.  At almost 3 years old she has the ability to melt your heart and I am 95% sure she's becoming very aware of that ability.  She is someone that feels 150% and shows it.  When she's happy she glows, when she's mad you can almost hear the thunder roar, there is never any guess work what she's feeling  or why.  At almost 3 she's got (at least her mommy thinks so) an impressive vocabulary and loves to encourage anyone she thinks needs it.  She's also at that fun (insert tone dripping in sarcasm here) age of tattling and her favorite target is Katie.  She's my cuddle bug and as much as Katie likes to curl up with her daddy after a long day or run errands with him, Emily prefers her mommy most days and while she's getting to the "let me me do it!" age, she still thrilled to see me whether I've been gone 5 minutes or all day.

The two of them together are amazing.  I don't think they yet fully realize their power.  When is comes to Katie - Emily prefers no one else.  She will tell you "Sissy is my bes fren" and if you want to know all of Emily's most recent accomplishments then just ask Katie.  She'll list them off.

They love to play together and Emily adores the challenge that is keeping up with Katie.  Katie on the other hand is developing the patience only a sister can inspire a need for and will go slower so that Emily can feel like she's keeping up.

Great Example of Goofiness!

So that's enough of my waxing poetic.  They are my darlings.  Such a great example of something I ask God for and he did not just fill my cup but overflowed it.  They breathe possibility into my day every day.  I love them with all my heart and I as much as I miss their baby days I am thrilled to watch them develop into such wonderful girls.  Independent even if it breaks my heart, kind, loving, strong, patient, full of life and willing to stand up for each other.  They are amazing girls and as I mourn what won't be again, I will also look forward to what's coming.  Holding on with both hands I gladly go on this adventure with them.

What's changing in a good way for you?  

God Bless!

Melissa

ETA: Katie read this post out loud before I posted it and her cheeks turned an adorable shade of red when she got to the point I was telling everyone about her pee-peeing in the potty.  Priceless.

Let the SON Shine In Devotional

(writtem for and read at our recent Ladies Night Out) 

I am really excited that you could all break free from your day to day and come have fun with us tonight.  I have to admit that it occurred to me that God must have a sense of humor to have the entire week be rain-filled leading up to our luau/beach themed evening.  We are talking about the SON shining and have had mostly clouds this week.  What I love is I feel it drives home tonight’s theme.  Even in a dark starless night we can have the SON shining in our lives.  On a cloudy, sunless day we can have the SON shining bright. 

In John 8:12 Jesus tells us “I am the light of the world, whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but have the light of life.” Wow.  We tend to think it’s when the lights go out that we are consumed or threatened by darkness but there are so many different kinds of dark.  It can be the loneliness of feeling like no one could understand what you’re going through, the uncertainty of divorce, the pain of losing a loved one, the anxiety of having a child, or having that child grow up and head out on their own.  Sometimes darkness can be the fear of the unknown, new beginnings, or a big change caused by moving churches, cities or even countries.  As Christians we have a promise to hold like a candle in the darkness.  If we follow Jesus we will never truly walk in darkness.  We will always have the light of life. 

Psalm 18:28 says “You, Oh Lord, keep my lamp burning.  My God turns my darkness into light”.   Another awesome gift our God gives us.  Not only will He keep us in His light if we follow Him but the darkness we have, that we bring with us,that we can struggle letting go of, He will turn to light.  Have you ever tried to hide a shadow from the sun?  Not possible.  You see regardless of what we are going through God is in control and working things out for us.  We may not know the why, who, what, where until we sit down and talk with Him in Heaven but we are not wandering aimlessly through this life, unguided and alone.  God is in control and any darkness that comes our way we can rest in His promise that He is turning it into light.  Just like the sun does to nighttime as it rises in the morning, God will do to our darkness as we draw closer to Him.

Our final verse for the evening is “The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.” Isaiah 60:19.  This verse makes me think of solar power.  Only instead of s-o-l-a-r it should be s-o-u-l-a-r.  The sun gives our homes light and our God gives our souls light.  One will help you make toast in the morning and not stub your toe when you take that 1am potty break and the other will be there with you every single step, breath and move you make.   The light of the Lord being so bright that when you are fully leaning and trusting in Him you won’t notice the shadows because as you are facing and following the Light of the World, focused on Him and His will, the shadows and darkness will have no place to go but behind you.  We need only follow the simple instruction that were given to Lots wife, “Don’t look back”.  

So tonight let’s focus on the SON shining in our lives.  We have games, hula dancing, food, fellowship and fun all the while basking in God’s Light which for this evening could be as simple as the laughter you’ve been missing or the friend you finally get to visit with.  I encourage you to enjoy yourself, make a new friend and eat something you normally wouldn’t let yourself.  Calories do not count tonight.

A photo slideshow by Smilebox

Missing the rainbows because of the clouds

Ok.  Time for a deep, dark dirty little detail about myself…

I.

Am.

Perky.

I know, I know.  You’ll notice that I said detail and not secret.  It’s kinda hard to keep “Perky” a secret.  In our recent Bible Study one of the questions ask was if you were making a movie about your life who would you want to play yourself and I said Lucille Ball.

While I am not June Cleaver perky I do have a habit of finding the silver lining in just about anything.  So much so that I tend to keep my mouth shut when the “positive” pops into my head because quite frankly people do not always want to know the bright side.  They like to wallow in the dark (another post for another day) or they are just not ready for the “bright side”.

That being said when something happens that I struggle with the bright side it’s pretty serious.  Here recently in my drive back from Gainesville I was talking to God about a problem I was facing.  It was not even my problem it something I needed to be supportive in that I was really struggling with.  While truly feeling I know God’s will and His Word in this situation I was struggling handing it over to God, already taking any possibility of failure on as my own fault and not wanting to relinquish the pressure that put on me.  Even though it involves other people and is totally out of my control other then to be supportive.

So as I am driving home I went through some ideal liquid sunshine (rain and sunny at the same time) and I began to look for rainbows.  As I spotted a faint one I felt God impress on me how easily I could’ve missed the rainbow if I had only  been looking for the gray clouds.  How easily I could forget His promises if I didn’t stay in His Word.

Sometimes we can totally miss the promise of His rainbow because we are so worried about the storm.  We all have moments that we can forget that the simplest promises God has made us because we have so much going on and coming at us.  One of the best things to circulate the web is the What WE say vs.What GOD says.  Here is one I found online and pasted here:

"OUR THINKING vs. GOD'S PROMISES"

MAN/WOMAN: "It's impossible"
GOD: All things are possible (Luke18:27)

MAN/WOMAN: "I'm too tired"
GOD: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)

MAN/WOMAN : "Nobody really loves me"
GOD: I love you (John 2: 16 & John 13:34)

MAN/WOMAN: "I can't go on"
GOD: My Grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

MAN/WOMAN: "I can't figure things out"
GOD: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

MAN/WOMAN: "I can't do it"
GOD: You can do all things (Phillipians 4:13)

MAN/WOMAN : "I'm not able"
GOD: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)

MAN/WOMAN: "It's not worth it"
GOD: It will be worth it (Romans 8:28)

MAN/WOMAN : "I can't forgive myself"
GOD: I forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

MAN/WOMAN: "I can't manage"
GOD: I will supply all your needs (Phillipians 4:19)

MAN/WOMAN: "I'm afraid"
GOD: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)

MAN/WOMAN: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
GOD: Cast all your cares on me (I Peter 5:7)

MAN/WOMAN: "I don't have enough faith"
GOD: I've given everyone a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)

MAN/WOMAN: "I'm not smart enough"
GOD: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)

MAN/WOMAN: "I feel all alone"
God: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

Storms come.  They can be scary, lonely, some are loud and fast, others are slow and deadly, some are over before you are even aware it rained and other’s seem as if there will never be sunshine again.… The storm is not what we need to focus on…we need to be looking for the rainbow.  The promise God has made us for every storm this world can throw at us.  Remember you are loved by an all-seeing, all-knowing God that never looks away from you, never stops thinking about you and He gave us a rainbow so we would remember His promises.

God Bless!

Refiners Fire

Ok – So I am on week 3 of Fluffy to fit and I have to admit God is showing me some things about myself that quite frankly I don’t care a bit for.  Part of doing this blog is sharing what God shares with me so here’s where I’ve gone so far:

• I have a bad habit of setting a goal for myself and almost immediately following it with the excuses reasons why I will fail.
• I justify…dear goodness I justify…Why it (read: extra scoop of mac-n-cheese, starburst, a soda) is ok THIS time…conveniently ignoring what I justified less then 24 hours ago.
• I am scared of who I can be.  Of what is under all this fluff.  What I imagine and what is reality are not connected at all.
• I have a TON of excuses for why things don’t get done.  Excuses I would not except from my 6 year old yet I expect others to except from me.

So that’s the bad….the impurities as I am refined in the fire.  Floating to the top and not as easy to scrape off as one might think.  I have to keep myself on guard and constantly listen to the self talk.  Watching the things I let float around in my head and (mostly) squelching those things that if left to roam would set me back.

Yes there’s a lot of crud coming to the top but I am also being left with pure gold.  Seeing things about myself I didn’t know were there before I started on this journey:

• I like working out
• I am capable of doing more then I give myself credit for.
• I am capable of doing more physically then others give me credit for.
• I am able to survive sore muscles.
• God listens to me.  His eyes are always on me and He is always thinking of me.  He does not need to look away from one thing so He can pay attention to me ( I still struggle with this one).
• I will succeed this time because I am not doing it alone.  God is doing it with me. 

It’s amazing the things you come up with as you set out on a journey that is so against who you thought you were.  Fluffy is as much apart of me as my hands and feet.  It’s been 15 years since I could describe myself as anywhere near fit.  I have been scared for a very long time of what may be under all this fluffiness.  I admit that some of what I am uncovering is unpleasant… excuses and ideas I have allowed because of the fluffiness.  Justifying wrong thinking because of my fluffiness.  I have also discovered things I didn’t realize I was capable of…working out at least 4 days a week.  Working out on an ELLIPTICAL and enjoying it!  Making better choices in what I eat, believing I am worthy of God’s attention and that I have it, the challenge ahead of me is not one I will ever face alone, not because I have good friends but because I am the daughter of an amazing God.  Who is there to catch me if I fall, pick me up, kiss my boo-boos and encourage me to try again.

So I challenge you to challenge yourself.  That thing you’ve been feeling like you want to try but your scared you’ll fail.  That “feeling” could be God’s way of encouraging you to go do something GREAT!  Go and Do it!  Knowing that you are not alone, not because I will be cheering you on (and I will), not because your kids will admire you or you’ll be tickled with yourself but because God will be with you and it could be an awesome opportunity to draw closer to Him as you believe that if He asks you to fly He’ll not only give you the wings but He’ll give you the breeze to lift you up.

So.  How will you challenge yourself today?

God bless,

Melissa

My own worst enemy…

So as of Sunday (July 15th) I will have finished up my first 2 weeks and as I round this first milestone a full 7lbs lighter I have realized something rather shocking about myself.

I am my own worst enemy.

Humph.  I would never have accused myself of such a thing except that with the 7lbs a few things have been revealed.  I don’t like to fail or disappoint.  I already kinda sorta knew that.  BUT there is a fine line to wanting to make others happy (good thing) to not really trying or making excuses ahead of time so that when I fail/disappoint I can fall back on all the reasons (excuses…lies)why I never should’ve really been counted on in the first place to succeed (bad thing).

OR jumping in with both feet and then coming up with reasons I can’t.  I have been big for so long that I can’t remember me when I was a smaller size (read: Healthier size – skinny does not equal healthy but neither done a size 26 and 270).  I have always been that “fluffy” friend.  Making up for that falling short feeling I get when I look at any other woman I know by being funny and kind (I am 99% sure I’ll still be like that when I reach my healthy size).  Used to not being the first choice… just happy to be A choice.  Never worried if I looked as nice or as “put together” as the women around me because I knew from the get go I didn’t.  There’s a freedom in “fluffiness”.  I can only buy certain clothes, do certain hairstyles and go to certain places because my size/weight limits me.  I didn’t hold myself accountable to look as nice because I already knew I couldn’t.  Pointless to run a 5k because I knew I would fail.  Comfortable to have a fail proof excuse for anything going wrong.

Wanna know a secret?  Tell NO ONE.

I am terrified of the small, healthy me, of what she may be capable of.  These past almost 2 weeks I have caught glimpses of her.  She felt energized (huh?), and was focused (say what!).  SHE CRAVED WATER PEOPLE!!! 

So today I had so many reasons(excuses/lies) why I was not behaving.  Just a miserable day for intake and I barely moved enough to counter anything I ate and I caught my self thinking the most awful thought…

“See You are already slipping… You knew you would.”

I had a different response to it then I normally would’ve.  I didn’t agree.  I didn’t slump my shoulders and slink off knowing that there would be an “easier” time in the future.  I simply let myself have today be a “bad” day with the promise tomorrow would be a “better” day.

You see THIS time.  I am not doing it alone.  I am doing it with God.  By myself I would’ve already failed and slipped off, licking my wounded “I wishes” and ready, fully expecting, to fail.  By myself.

With God I know it’s not by my power but by HIS power and through Him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!  If I had a doubt God showed Himself through a text from my dear friend who has been gone for a week (and has been such an awesome motivator and encourager…bleh I am tearing up) I couldn’t have gotten even this far without her, there to tell me all that I am capable of and believing for me until I am able to believe on my own.  She just wanted to see how I did this week, set up plans for next week and to schedule coffee and brunch one day.  And the timing was perfect.  I had just gotten the girls down and could actually have a text talk with her without constant interruption. 

as if that wasn’t enough.  I found this when I was looking for other pictures…SO TRUE!

Well friends.  I am yawning so hard my eyes are having trouble opening back up so I am going to take that queue and head off to bed.  God Bless!

2 StePs FoRwaRd. 1 SteP BaCk.

Ok…So I spent a week getting my body in whack to spend 2 1/2 days to knock it out of whack.  Nothing like a weekend at Mom & Dad’s to use as an excuse to follow NO rules.  Boy did my body let me know too!  It’s amazing how sometimes you don’t realize how bad you felt, until you’re going back there from feeling so much better.  For the first time in a week I woke up sore, almost hungover feeling.  My head hurts, my body aches, I slept over 8 hours and feel like I just dozed off. 

While I gained 5 pounds (bleh bleh bleh) the silver lining is that still puts my total loss at 4 pounds and I am almost positive that since I barely drank 1 ounce of water this weekend it’s mostly water weight.  So back on the water drinking train I go. 

The next time we go to Mom and Dad’s I will have to make sure that I follow the 16oz of water before 12oz of soda rule or suffer the consequences.  We are also back on the eating right train today.  Weeeeee.

God Bless!

Rounding up week 1…

…I survived!!  Not only that I thrived.  I think I may really like working out.  No one has told my fluffy self that I am in the wrong place and I think besides the standard answers to Why do you like working out? I feel better, I have more energy, I am getting healthier… my favorite part of working out is the coffee when we are all done, getting to sit down and take 5-10 minutes just to touch base with these amazing women.  It’s like the cherry on top of the getting healthier sundae…though that may not be the best analogy and I’ll try to have a new one by my next post… Baby Steps ladies… Baby Steps!

AND I AM 9LBS LIGHTER!!!

That’s right ladies…my little butterfly on the little ticker weight gadget thing-a-ma-bob(courtesy of www.myfitnesspal.com ) at the top of this page has MOVED!!  I know as I get further into fitness it will not take such leaps and bounds but it was mighty nice that it did this first week.  Kinda confirms that something somewhere is being done right.

I have planned out my workout schedule for next week.  My menu has not been planned out too much simply because we leave tomorrow for my parents house for the weekend and while I am not going to go on a binge eating everything carpy in sight I am also not going to hold the reigns as tightly there.  Hoping my dear dad makes some French Toast on Saturday.

Off I go…Melissa

Change is hard, God is good.

Ok…so if you can’t tell by the little ticker weight gadget thing-a-ma-bob(courtesy of www.myfitnesspal.com ) at the top of this page I am on the road to weight loss.  If you want you can join me on this journey and in this post I am going to share my first day:

A dear friend from church has been encouraging me for awhile to workout with her at the gym.  She knew it was something I wanted to do and I think she also knew it was something that just intimidated the stuff right out of me.  It was something I had tried before and failed at miserably. 

Not a big fan of failures, especially repeating them.

So suddenly there is this desire to stop wishing for my outside to match my inside but to actually start actively pursuing it.  Stop wishing that Walmart would get some of the cute little person clothes (read: anything size 18 or smaller) in plus sizes and just get to a size that can wear them off the rack.  Stop wishing my kids would settle down and start having the energy to engage them.  To stop being less then God made me to be and start being the best weapon in His arsenal, to do that I don’t have to be skinny but I do need to be healthy.  To stop being the butt of my own jokes to offset my insecurity.  I just needed to start moving so I could start stopping all these things.  So I could start being a better example to my kids, to hopefully start teaching them the way to eat at 6 and 2 so that when it may become an issue it won’t be because they’ll already eat the right way.

So I took a leap and took this dear friend up on her offer to workout together.  As I was getting ready and heading there I had about 4 times that I just felt like bawling my eyes out.  The little doubter inside me questioning what it was exactly I was hoping to prove.  Did I really think that THIS time would be any different then the last 20?  I had tried before and was obviously much better at being  fluffy then I could even hope to be at getting fit.  As I started to believe and agree with what I was telling myself I prayed that God please give me the strength, the tenacity and the ability to do this, to be more then I was now.  To silence that doubter and replace with an “I can” voice.

I was reminded of this verse:

Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

So though I was still afraid (and feel silly saying so – afraid of exercise really?) and still had doubts, overwhelming all that was this feeling that this time would be different.  THIS time I was not doing it alone.  THIS time I was doing it with God and with God ALL things are possible.  Including the things I had failed at alone before.

As I am walking into the Y a Christian friend drives past me waving, I saw 3 friends within 2 minutes of going inside and my dear friend was there to not only pooh pooh my fears but to insist that I do the ELLIPTICAL TRAINER and not the treadmill for 15 minutes.  She hopped on the one next to mine and though the first 5 minutes were (I am certain) life threatening, we got so caught up in talking that the next thing I know she’s saying we’re done and we went and had coffee with another friend.  God sent me someone to be the “I can” voice that I couldn’t be for myself, that sees in me the things I can’t yet. 

Change is hard…God is GOOD.

So…tomorrow’s goal…20 minutes on the ELLIPTICAL TRAINER!

The danger of a Fake Snake

My dear daughters have a fake snake that they love....

Notice how at a glance you would think it's real?

I am not a lover of snakes.  I tolerate them the way I tolerate... poopy diapers, they are necessary.  I don't want mice running the world and I don't want poop on my carpet.  Just as I prefer the poop stay in the diaper; I prefer that snakes stay outside and even better off my property.  In the 11 years we have lived in this house..I have seen 2 snakes.  It makes me love the place even more.

So...to the point I go! 

As I was doing my before bed prep I noticed the fake plastic snake laying in our hallway.  In all honesty it has gotten me a few times.  I have seen it out of the corner of my eye, poking out of a box in the garage and skipped a heartbeat before I realized it was the fake snake.  One of my girls moved it, it did not move itself(I would tell my self as I was trying to breath through the heart palpatations).  However I find myself growing used to it now and I barely acknowledge it other than the thought that it no longer bothers me.

I realized as I headed for bed that I would not recognize a real snake in my house until I was right up on it if it had the same coloring as the fake one.  I would either be bitten or scared out of my mind thinking I was approaching the harmless fake snake.  So what other fake snakes are there in my home?

What are some of the things that I think are harmless that are truly not?  Even more so what are some of the "high places" that I think I can ignore or that don't affect me because I know they are bad but just by watching it, reading it, talking about it; I am sending a message to my girls that it's not sooo bad because mom watches, reads or talks about it.

We are entering a day and age I never imagined growing up.  A time that we have to worry about the commercials our kids are watching.  Forget the shows that are at least rated now.  The majority of commercials today are about what I can get, what I can take from someone else, how I can be better, stronger and beat my neighbor, sex sells, the way you look outside is super important and knocking people over is ok as long as you're getting what you want and on your way to being the best.  It's about Me, Me, ME.  That is not the will of God.  The will of God is to love your neighbor as you love yourself (Mark 12:31 "The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”).

The things that look deadly but are harmless are the most dangerous of all. They desensitize us to the real threat, making us more vulnerable to it. Making us more likely to walk up on a real snake.  Justifying the entire time that it's just a (commercial, dress, word, tv show...) it's not hurting anyone and my kids, friends, husband are not paying attention to it.  We think that until we get ask a question about the commercial we don't want to answer, see our daughter wanting to dress a way we find unacceptable, hear our toddler say that word to our pastor clear as bell when every other word in her vocabulary only you fully understand, or find our husband watching shows that have more foul language then actual words.  It was harmless until you have to pay the price for allowing it.

So what are your high places?  Your "fake snakes"?  The things in your life that you kind of shrug off.  They're harmless... until they're not.  What are your fake snakes and what will happen when you let your guard down enough not to realize a real one when you see it?



God Bless!

Hello ladies! 

I linked up with Time Warp Wife for Titus Tuesdays...



It's meant to encourage us to be better women and has quite a few links to other blogs that has encouraging words for moms, women, wives, daughters etc.

Go check it out!!

God Bless!

Putting things into Practise...

I have been very intentionally laying it all down to God lately. Trying to be very intentional in giving Him my concerns and fears, not allowing myself to hoard my "little" worries from God.  Acknowledging that He knows the exact number of hairs on my head as Jesus tells us in Luke 12:6-7 "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. He took the time to not just count them but PLACE them! If every single hair on my head (that is so easily cut, dyed, grown out and changed on an almost daily basis some weeks)is important enough for God to know the exact number then why on Earth am I waisting time and energy thinking or believing on any level that my worries and concerns are a burden to Him or for that one moment no matter how many times He tells me in His word or shows me in my life, how much He loves me, I still struggle to truly feel worthy of it.

Do you know the answer? I do. I am human. Yup. Human. Seems so simple. We all are so lets just pack up and go home. Doomed to struggle forever and always. Oh but WAIT!! God gave us a blessed way out. A way back to Him. It is not done by deeds or good will, nice thoughts or being in church every Sunday (Ephesians 2:8-9 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast" It was done by the Blood of Jesus (John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.")

The fact is He is paying attention.  He does not have to stop looking at one thing to see me (Psalm 33:13 From heaven the Lord looks down and sees all mankind;).  He already knows everything I have going on ...He is just waiting for me to tell Him about it; to have a relationship with Him.  The more I talk to Him, the more I listen for His reply and His desire for my life the easier and better my life is (Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.).  When I am so intentionally focused on God's will my desires line up better with His.  I start to want the things He wants for me.

In Matthew 11:28-29 Jesus says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."  Rest for our souls.  It just sounds peaceful doesn't it.  When I read that scripture I can't help but think of the peace He's offering us.  For our burdens, the things that are weighing us down, keeping us awake, sending us deep inside ourselves or out where we don't belong.  For the things we can't tell our friends, have trouble admitting to ourselves and sometimes guard closely.  For those things those BURDENS He will give.  us.  rest.  Not just a unisom, melatonin type of rest.....nothing you can get over the counter at CVS or with a prescription.  This is the absolute SOUL healing rest that can only come from Jesus.

After a week of Katie's struggle with allergies having me up at 2am for 1-2 hours and then awake again at 5am let me tell you I am weary!  There is a lot of tired in me right now and like aloe on a burn the promise that Jesus will not only take my burdens but give my soul rest, soothe the places in me that I had not realized I was sore.  Not just physically but mentally and emotionally. He soothes.

Just ask.  Just tell Him, tell Jesus those places that hurt, ask Him to show you the places you may not know are weighing you down and then to help you hand them over.  I like to think I am a honest person especially with myself but even I have to ask the Lord to show me the things I hide even from myself.  To help me let them go. 

So the challenge for this week, today maybe just a moment from now... Ask God to show you those things you hide even from yourself.  Those things that slow you down and are making you weary.  Then ask God to help you hand them over and let go of them.  Putting them completely in His hands so you can have rest for your soul.

God Bless You!