Saturday, October 31, 2015

How do you hold your head?

How do you hold your head?

Everyone's different.  I would say most people in public like to look up and see where they're going.  I'm not most people.

I tend to look down just ahead of my shoes.  I've said sorry for almost bumping into someone about a million times.1  I find I do it MOST when I am in a familiar place.  Where people might see me and know me and ask questions.

I so dislike the "How are you?" question.  That's my least favorite.  Partially because it truly feels like a GO TO question... not really sincere, it's just what you say when you see someone you know (I'm guilty of it), instinctual.  A starter question for a conversation we probably don't have time for.  If we had time we'd go to Starbucks and do it right.

I'm also pretty sure that people are relieved when I answer, "Fine."  God knows my thoughts can be scary to me some days... I know they scare my hubs.  No one else needs a piece of one wants a piece of that.2

If you think somethings odd that you do and you don't change it, does that make it more odd, odd-er.3  I tend to follow my feet when I'm in a more familiar place then when I am in a new or rarely seen place.  At home going into Walmart it's head down, bulldoze through, get out... Put me in a new city or Disney World4 and I'm a big eyed country bumpkin totally in awe of the see-through doors in the parking garage's elevator or the buildings that are higher then 4 stories... Those are non-existent in my town... I love to travel, I love preparing to travel, researching where we are going and having an itinerary... sigh. 

I'm working on holding my head up regardless of my surroundings.  I catch myself doing it, consider my thoughts that are making me want to hide and force my head up, most days.  Some days the strength I used to go to the store and get the vitals for my family to keep going for a few more days is all the strength I have.

I've been fighting who I am, a big part of who I am for so long that it's even unfamiliar to me.  Being able to hold your head up means being able to accept who you are.  So in a figurative holding up of my head....

Here's who I am.  I am a woman that struggles with depression, anxiety, some phobias, insecurity about myself and the quality of mom I am.  I'm sure at least once a week my hubs is going to leave me because of my mental issues, some days I want to leave me because of my mental issues.  I enjoy making people laugh because that truly gives me a feeling of joy.  I make jokes about myself because I want to beat anyone else to it.  I'm goofy, open hearted, gullible, kind, passive-aggressive, tender hearted, exhausted, struggling, smart and a wife, mother, friend in that order.  I like big cities and I'm growing more confident about driving more than 2 hours away from my husband,  He's growing more confident about it too.  I have a 10 month old Yorkie named Penny.5 She is both adorable and at times a pain in my patootie.  My husband is my best friend.6  My girls are fascinating, intelligent, happy, polite, funny kids and I'm scared everyday they'll have too much of me in them.  I hope they never go to the places in their heads I've been in mine.  They are both so different from each other.  They both have their own likes, dislikes, and are so proudly themselves that I am amazed and also jealous sometimes.

I am me... I accept who I am..All my minuses and all my pluses.

What are you going to be for Halloween?  I'm going to be a nerd... well,,, a more obvious one.



1.If you're one of those someone's sorry again!
2.Well maybe a few in my inner circle like to see the inside of my head - but that's why they are the inner circle. They're weird like that.
3.Pretty sure odder is not a word because it's too close to otter and that would really cause a lot of confusion...but then I think of the phrase I've heard,"It's been one of my odder days..." and now I'm wondering if they actually said it's been one of my OTTER days and that I should have followed up on that....
4.Disney IS a magical place because when I'm there I not only look up but I talk to all kinds of different people.  Our last visit I met some Canadans from Ontario who only had a smidge of what I'd consider a Canadian accent (which is strangely a lot like the people in Fargo and that's not even IN Canada - I make no sense)and they said I had a really strong southern accent that I didn't know I possessed.  It's like a super power now.
5.Penny is precious in her complete and absolute love.  She can be a ray of light when I'm having a truly dark day.  It's like she senses that I need her to chase her tail.
6.I know cliche but true.

1 comment:

  1. Melissa so good to hear from you again, I have been worried about you and praying all was well. Continued prayers. Evelyn aka atlanticflyer