Saturday, October 31, 2015

How do you hold your head?

How do you hold your head?

Everyone's different.  I would say most people in public like to look up and see where they're going.  I'm not most people.

I tend to look down just ahead of my shoes.  I've said sorry for almost bumping into someone about a million times.1  I find I do it MOST when I am in a familiar place.  Where people might see me and know me and ask questions.

I so dislike the "How are you?" question.  That's my least favorite.  Partially because it truly feels like a GO TO question... not really sincere, it's just what you say when you see someone you know (I'm guilty of it), instinctual.  A starter question for a conversation we probably don't have time for.  If we had time we'd go to Starbucks and do it right.

I'm also pretty sure that people are relieved when I answer, "Fine."  God knows my thoughts can be scary to me some days... I know they scare my hubs.  No one else needs a piece of one wants a piece of that.2

If you think somethings odd that you do and you don't change it, does that make it more odd, odd-er.3  I tend to follow my feet when I'm in a more familiar place then when I am in a new or rarely seen place.  At home going into Walmart it's head down, bulldoze through, get out... Put me in a new city or Disney World4 and I'm a big eyed country bumpkin totally in awe of the see-through doors in the parking garage's elevator or the buildings that are higher then 4 stories... Those are non-existent in my town... I love to travel, I love preparing to travel, researching where we are going and having an itinerary... sigh. 

I'm working on holding my head up regardless of my surroundings.  I catch myself doing it, consider my thoughts that are making me want to hide and force my head up, most days.  Some days the strength I used to go to the store and get the vitals for my family to keep going for a few more days is all the strength I have.

I've been fighting who I am, a big part of who I am for so long that it's even unfamiliar to me.  Being able to hold your head up means being able to accept who you are.  So in a figurative holding up of my head....

Here's who I am.  I am a woman that struggles with depression, anxiety, some phobias, insecurity about myself and the quality of mom I am.  I'm sure at least once a week my hubs is going to leave me because of my mental issues, some days I want to leave me because of my mental issues.  I enjoy making people laugh because that truly gives me a feeling of joy.  I make jokes about myself because I want to beat anyone else to it.  I'm goofy, open hearted, gullible, kind, passive-aggressive, tender hearted, exhausted, struggling, smart and a wife, mother, friend in that order.  I like big cities and I'm growing more confident about driving more than 2 hours away from my husband,  He's growing more confident about it too.  I have a 10 month old Yorkie named Penny.5 She is both adorable and at times a pain in my patootie.  My husband is my best friend.6  My girls are fascinating, intelligent, happy, polite, funny kids and I'm scared everyday they'll have too much of me in them.  I hope they never go to the places in their heads I've been in mine.  They are both so different from each other.  They both have their own likes, dislikes, and are so proudly themselves that I am amazed and also jealous sometimes.

I am me... I accept who I am..All my minuses and all my pluses.

What are you going to be for Halloween?  I'm going to be a nerd... well,,, a more obvious one.



1.If you're one of those someone's sorry again!
2.Well maybe a few in my inner circle like to see the inside of my head - but that's why they are the inner circle. They're weird like that.
3.Pretty sure odder is not a word because it's too close to otter and that would really cause a lot of confusion...but then I think of the phrase I've heard,"It's been one of my odder days..." and now I'm wondering if they actually said it's been one of my OTTER days and that I should have followed up on that....
4.Disney IS a magical place because when I'm there I not only look up but I talk to all kinds of different people.  Our last visit I met some Canadans from Ontario who only had a smidge of what I'd consider a Canadian accent (which is strangely a lot like the people in Fargo and that's not even IN Canada - I make no sense)and they said I had a really strong southern accent that I didn't know I possessed.  It's like a super power now.
5.Penny is precious in her complete and absolute love.  She can be a ray of light when I'm having a truly dark day.  It's like she senses that I need her to chase her tail.
6.I know cliche but true.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Me and my internet



Anyone There?

At this point I'm pretty sure I'm typing to myself.  I guess to begin on the road of blogger, and stop just flirting with it, I have to be ok with that.  IF there is someone reading... I'm so glad you stopped by and I hope you can relate to my blog or it gives you insight... or just makes you LOL.  Tell a friend.  Tweet about it, I've heard the word "Twerk" but I'm not the hippest lingo mom and I'm not sure what that means.  It sounds dirty.  If it's not, go ahead and twerk the heck out of my blog.

I wish I could tell you that I come here everyday... but some days I struggle to shower.  On those days I'm going to pick shower over blog... It's necessary.  I am going to try for closer then 2-4 months though.  I like imagining people from everywhere reading what I write and getting a sense of company.  The amazing Jenny Lawson, author of "Furiously Happy" says that there is a tribe of mentally ill people (I think mostly women because men really don't like to share their feelings) that are united by the internet.  We can cheer each other on, empathize for a rough day or just shoot an emoji at someone that is weighing on our mind.  

It's over the internet because Internet(that's the internet's name after all) doesn't judge us.  I We can have Dorito cheesy fingers and still be in our PJ's at 2pm and Internet is still a gracious host.  Usually.  Occasionally Internet can be a brat and go out for no explainable reason causing me to have a small panic attack as I think of 50 million reasons I need the internet NOW.  I can tell you from personal experience unplugging, counting to 30 and then plugging it back in is some morbid ritual the bored techs at the cable company thought of to make their jobs more fun, "Ms. Holt, It's Bob again.  I know you've tried this 49,999 times but I can see nothing else wrong.  So I have something else that may work.  Please unplug (snicker) you're internet again (snicker snicker), rub the box on your head, twirl it like a basketball on one finger(snort, cough), rub the box on your butt till it's nice and toasty and then plug it back in.  That worked?  Great!! Thank You for choosing our cable service," and all you hear is like 15 people laughing as you hang up.... That's what I imagine sometimes.  One day I'm going to get that Bob.  Okay... maybe it wasn't 49,999 attempts and I may be exaggerating a smidge on what "Bob" ask me to do but it feels like it occasionally... especially when it takes longer than 30 minutes to fix itself.  Internet is oxygen some days.

Typical me note: I didn't write down a single of those "things" that were of serious importance, so now I can't remember what I needed to do and will now go window shop at .  They have tons of stuff I want need.  I'm pretty sure I've earned it.  The other stuff I'll remember eventually.  Right?

Melissa H

P.s. After I posted I realized that I was not clear in one section of this post... I take SHOWERS every 3-5 DAYS.  I hope to increase my BLOGGING frequency to more then my current average of 2-4 MONTHS.  Totally being honest about the showers.  Hubs keeps track and will remind me.  I hope that made someone say phew.