My own worst enemy…

So as of Sunday (July 15th) I will have finished up my first 2 weeks and as I round this first milestone a full 7lbs lighter I have realized something rather shocking about myself.

I am my own worst enemy.

Humph.  I would never have accused myself of such a thing except that with the 7lbs a few things have been revealed.  I don’t like to fail or disappoint.  I already kinda sorta knew that.  BUT there is a fine line to wanting to make others happy (good thing) to not really trying or making excuses ahead of time so that when I fail/disappoint I can fall back on all the reasons (excuses…lies)why I never should’ve really been counted on in the first place to succeed (bad thing).

OR jumping in with both feet and then coming up with reasons I can’t.  I have been big for so long that I can’t remember me when I was a smaller size (read: Healthier size – skinny does not equal healthy but neither done a size 26 and 270).  I have always been that “fluffy” friend.  Making up for that falling short feeling I get when I look at any other woman I know by being funny and kind (I am 99% sure I’ll still be like that when I reach my healthy size).  Used to not being the first choice… just happy to be A choice.  Never worried if I looked as nice or as “put together” as the women around me because I knew from the get go I didn’t.  There’s a freedom in “fluffiness”.  I can only buy certain clothes, do certain hairstyles and go to certain places because my size/weight limits me.  I didn’t hold myself accountable to look as nice because I already knew I couldn’t.  Pointless to run a 5k because I knew I would fail.  Comfortable to have a fail proof excuse for anything going wrong.

Wanna know a secret?  Tell NO ONE.

I am terrified of the small, healthy me, of what she may be capable of.  These past almost 2 weeks I have caught glimpses of her.  She felt energized (huh?), and was focused (say what!).  SHE CRAVED WATER PEOPLE!!! 

So today I had so many reasons(excuses/lies) why I was not behaving.  Just a miserable day for intake and I barely moved enough to counter anything I ate and I caught my self thinking the most awful thought…

“See You are already slipping… You knew you would.”

I had a different response to it then I normally would’ve.  I didn’t agree.  I didn’t slump my shoulders and slink off knowing that there would be an “easier” time in the future.  I simply let myself have today be a “bad” day with the promise tomorrow would be a “better” day.

You see THIS time.  I am not doing it alone.  I am doing it with God.  By myself I would’ve already failed and slipped off, licking my wounded “I wishes” and ready, fully expecting, to fail.  By myself.

With God I know it’s not by my power but by HIS power and through Him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!  If I had a doubt God showed Himself through a text from my dear friend who has been gone for a week (and has been such an awesome motivator and encourager…bleh I am tearing up) I couldn’t have gotten even this far without her, there to tell me all that I am capable of and believing for me until I am able to believe on my own.  She just wanted to see how I did this week, set up plans for next week and to schedule coffee and brunch one day.  And the timing was perfect.  I had just gotten the girls down and could actually have a text talk with her without constant interruption. 

as if that wasn’t enough.  I found this when I was looking for other pictures…SO TRUE!

Well friends.  I am yawning so hard my eyes are having trouble opening back up so I am going to take that queue and head off to bed.  God Bless!

The danger of a Fake Snake

My dear daughters have a fake snake that they love....

Notice how at a glance you would think it's real?

I am not a lover of snakes.  I tolerate them the way I tolerate... poopy diapers, they are necessary.  I don't want mice running the world and I don't want poop on my carpet.  Just as I prefer the poop stay in the diaper; I prefer that snakes stay outside and even better off my property.  In the 11 years we have lived in this house..I have seen 2 snakes.  It makes me love the place even more.

So...to the point I go! 

As I was doing my before bed prep I noticed the fake plastic snake laying in our hallway.  In all honesty it has gotten me a few times.  I have seen it out of the corner of my eye, poking out of a box in the garage and skipped a heartbeat before I realized it was the fake snake.  One of my girls moved it, it did not move itself(I would tell my self as I was trying to breath through the heart palpatations).  However I find myself growing used to it now and I barely acknowledge it other than the thought that it no longer bothers me.

I realized as I headed for bed that I would not recognize a real snake in my house until I was right up on it if it had the same coloring as the fake one.  I would either be bitten or scared out of my mind thinking I was approaching the harmless fake snake.  So what other fake snakes are there in my home?

What are some of the things that I think are harmless that are truly not?  Even more so what are some of the "high places" that I think I can ignore or that don't affect me because I know they are bad but just by watching it, reading it, talking about it; I am sending a message to my girls that it's not sooo bad because mom watches, reads or talks about it.

We are entering a day and age I never imagined growing up.  A time that we have to worry about the commercials our kids are watching.  Forget the shows that are at least rated now.  The majority of commercials today are about what I can get, what I can take from someone else, how I can be better, stronger and beat my neighbor, sex sells, the way you look outside is super important and knocking people over is ok as long as you're getting what you want and on your way to being the best.  It's about Me, Me, ME.  That is not the will of God.  The will of God is to love your neighbor as you love yourself (Mark 12:31 "The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”).

The things that look deadly but are harmless are the most dangerous of all. They desensitize us to the real threat, making us more vulnerable to it. Making us more likely to walk up on a real snake.  Justifying the entire time that it's just a (commercial, dress, word, tv show...) it's not hurting anyone and my kids, friends, husband are not paying attention to it.  We think that until we get ask a question about the commercial we don't want to answer, see our daughter wanting to dress a way we find unacceptable, hear our toddler say that word to our pastor clear as bell when every other word in her vocabulary only you fully understand, or find our husband watching shows that have more foul language then actual words.  It was harmless until you have to pay the price for allowing it.

So what are your high places?  Your "fake snakes"?  The things in your life that you kind of shrug off.  They're harmless... until they're not.  What are your fake snakes and what will happen when you let your guard down enough not to realize a real one when you see it?



God Bless!