My own worst enemy…

So as of Sunday (July 15th) I will have finished up my first 2 weeks and as I round this first milestone a full 7lbs lighter I have realized something rather shocking about myself.

I am my own worst enemy.

Humph.  I would never have accused myself of such a thing except that with the 7lbs a few things have been revealed.  I don’t like to fail or disappoint.  I already kinda sorta knew that.  BUT there is a fine line to wanting to make others happy (good thing) to not really trying or making excuses ahead of time so that when I fail/disappoint I can fall back on all the reasons (excuses…lies)why I never should’ve really been counted on in the first place to succeed (bad thing).

OR jumping in with both feet and then coming up with reasons I can’t.  I have been big for so long that I can’t remember me when I was a smaller size (read: Healthier size – skinny does not equal healthy but neither done a size 26 and 270).  I have always been that “fluffy” friend.  Making up for that falling short feeling I get when I look at any other woman I know by being funny and kind (I am 99% sure I’ll still be like that when I reach my healthy size).  Used to not being the first choice… just happy to be A choice.  Never worried if I looked as nice or as “put together” as the women around me because I knew from the get go I didn’t.  There’s a freedom in “fluffiness”.  I can only buy certain clothes, do certain hairstyles and go to certain places because my size/weight limits me.  I didn’t hold myself accountable to look as nice because I already knew I couldn’t.  Pointless to run a 5k because I knew I would fail.  Comfortable to have a fail proof excuse for anything going wrong.

Wanna know a secret?  Tell NO ONE.

I am terrified of the small, healthy me, of what she may be capable of.  These past almost 2 weeks I have caught glimpses of her.  She felt energized (huh?), and was focused (say what!).  SHE CRAVED WATER PEOPLE!!! 

So today I had so many reasons(excuses/lies) why I was not behaving.  Just a miserable day for intake and I barely moved enough to counter anything I ate and I caught my self thinking the most awful thought…

“See You are already slipping… You knew you would.”

I had a different response to it then I normally would’ve.  I didn’t agree.  I didn’t slump my shoulders and slink off knowing that there would be an “easier” time in the future.  I simply let myself have today be a “bad” day with the promise tomorrow would be a “better” day.

You see THIS time.  I am not doing it alone.  I am doing it with God.  By myself I would’ve already failed and slipped off, licking my wounded “I wishes” and ready, fully expecting, to fail.  By myself.

With God I know it’s not by my power but by HIS power and through Him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!  If I had a doubt God showed Himself through a text from my dear friend who has been gone for a week (and has been such an awesome motivator and encourager…bleh I am tearing up) I couldn’t have gotten even this far without her, there to tell me all that I am capable of and believing for me until I am able to believe on my own.  She just wanted to see how I did this week, set up plans for next week and to schedule coffee and brunch one day.  And the timing was perfect.  I had just gotten the girls down and could actually have a text talk with her without constant interruption. 

as if that wasn’t enough.  I found this when I was looking for other pictures…SO TRUE!

Well friends.  I am yawning so hard my eyes are having trouble opening back up so I am going to take that queue and head off to bed.  God Bless!

Butt Weight

So...I am sure the title got your attention.  You either think you are about to read some great way to loose weight and firm those butt cheeks or you think I have not had my coffee yet this morning and I meant "But wait".  Either way I got your attention didn't I?

So today I am going to talk type about the phrase "but wait"...  It's a phrase I use way too much in my internal dialogue.  Sometimes I talk to God, sometimes I complain at God or give plenty of good excuses why I am not doing the things He has put in my care....things like:

The housework is never quite caught up...but wait the kids were acting up and I was constantly having to deal with them...

The laundry is never quite all folded and put away... but wait I had to do some things for the Women's Ministry and lost track of time.  At least it's washed right?

My garage is quickly looking like it would qualify for one of the "Hoarders - the garage series" tv shows... but wait I was online looking at some blogs that empower me as a SAHM.

My lawn is looking like the Serengeti and my porch a place the lost things go... but wait I am making chore charts so I would be better organized (that's one of my favorites - I can spend hours working on chore charts while dishes sit in the sink).

I have plenty more... I am sure you have some.  I bet they are really good ones too.  Kids are a great excuse reason.  I use mine all the time.  One of the things God has been showing me is that I say the kids were a handful from where I am sitting on the couch with my laptop, kindle and smartphone.  All 3 sometimes going at the same time.  Here is the scripture God has been showing me over, and over, and over again.  In a book I am reading, it was posted on Bible Gateway as the verse of the day and it was on something I was researching....think Someone's trying to get my attention?

Proverbs 31:27 "She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness."

But wait!  Lord I am not idle. Oooooh No, not me Lord.  I do a lot of stuff.  A LOT!   I plan get togethers for the women, I  research stuff, I ... do... stuff.  I do!  As a matter of fact Lord... You can ask any of the Women at church or my mom...they'll tell you I do stuff!  Just the other week we had a play date and we are launching 2 Bible studies, and there's a couple thing coming up...I do stuff... I am NOT idle...nope no idle bread for me.  I'll show you my Cozi calendar Lord... I am the opposite of idle!

Or am I so busy eating it I don't even taste what it is I am eating.

hmmmm... OUCH.  That kick in the buttinski hurt a little.

So this all came around as I am driving in my car on my way to a Mom Tea that Katie's class was having in honor of Mother's day.  My mind was wandering and it wandered to all my but waits.  Then in a way only God has my mind associated my "but waits" with actual "butt weights".  I had not realized before that both can drag you down.  Each time I used a "but wait" I was adding to my load, weighing myself down because I was not putting what I needed to do before what I would prefer to do.  Not wanting to realize that if I truly want to be a Proverbs 31 wife then I need to start handling my business FIRST.  Right now in this season of my life my first business is my home and those that live in it.  Everything and everyone else is secondary. 

I was busy being idle.  Chew on that one for awhile!  Another Ouch for me.  In such a hurry to do I was not focusing on what I need to get done.  Here's the truly ironic part.  Each time I put off a have to with a prefer to then I am adding a "butt weight".  I am putting one more thing on my mind that needs done that I haven't done.  One more thing to slow me down whether or not I want to realize I am carrying it along.

Not only that but when I load myself up with "but waits" it makes it harder to hear God's will.  My mind is so full of the things that I need to do and haven't that it's hard to take the time to "Be still and know He is God" Psalm 46:10.  It's easier to just sing the poor me song and feel bad for all the hard stuff I have to do.  God did not call me for a pitiful existence.  He called me to be a Mom, a Wife and the Women's Ministry Director.  He has called me to be a Speaker and to encourage women.  He has called me and because He has called me He will gift me with the things I need to do those things.  Nothing is impossible for God - no matter how daunting it is for me Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26.  I have to do my part though.  He has also given me the Free Will to sit on the couch or stand up and do His work.  I have to make a conscious decision that when I feel the couch calling me I will ignore it's call and listen harder for His. "They refused to listen and failed to remember the miracles you performed among them. They became stiff-necked and in their rebellion appointed a leader (the Internet) in order to return to their slavery(the couch). But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them," Nehemiah 9:17 Remembering that I am not just doing the dishes to avoid flies or so that we'll have something to eat on but I am doing it to glorify God  "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" 1 Corinthians 10:31.  I am keeping my house, taking care of my kids, loving my husband all for the Glory of God.  Everything that comes from it is a blessing from God.  As I turn my focus from what I want and to what God wants things just get easier.  It's as if my heart, mind and soul all line up and are at peace.

So...What choice will you make with your Free Will?  What are some of the things that you know God is calling you to but you feel unprepared or like Moses and God's made the wrong choice?  Remember God knows everything, He is yesterday, today and Tomorrow.  He knows what we are capable of because He knit us together in our mother's womb and knows our inmost being (Psalm 139:13).  We are  not a surprise to Him.  He has called us and He will make us capable.  Just like Moses (Exodus 3) God will equip us whether we feel capable or not.

Today I am going to start tossing off the butt weights but waits and walk easier and lighter in God's calling.  I am going to stop making excuses and start doing.  I'll let you know how it all turns out!

God Bless!