Friday, July 13, 2012

My own worst enemy…

own worst enemy

So as of Sunday (July 15th) I will have finished up my first 2 weeks and as I round this first milestone a full 7lbs lighter I have realized something rather shocking about myself.

I am my own worst enemy.

Humph.  I would never have accused myself of such a thing except that with the 7lbs a few things have been revealed.  I don’t like to fail or disappoint.  I already kinda sorta knew that.  BUT there is a fine line to wanting to make others happy (good thing) to not really trying or making excuses ahead of time so that when I fail/disappoint I can fall back on all the reasons (excuses…lies)why I never should’ve really been counted on in the first place to succeed (bad thing).


OR jumping in with both feet and then coming up with reasons I can’t.  I have been big for so long that I can’t remember me when I was a smaller size (read: Healthier size – skinny does not equal healthy but neither done a size 26 and 270).  I have always been that “fluffy” friend.  Making up for that falling short feeling I get when I look at any other woman I know by being funny and kind (I am 99% sure I’ll still be like that when I reach my healthy size).  Used to not being the first choice… just happy to be A choice.  Never worried if I looked as nice or as “put together” as the women around me because I knew from the get go I didn’t.  There’s a freedom in “fluffiness”.  I can only buy certain clothes, do certain hairstyles and go to certain places because my size/weight limits me.  I didn’t hold myself accountable to look as nice because I already knew I couldn’t.  Pointless to run a 5k because I knew I would fail.  Comfortable to have a fail proof excuse for anything going wrong.

Wanna know a secret?  Tell NO ONE.

I am terrified of the small, healthy me, of what she may be capable of.  These past almost 2 weeks I have caught glimpses of her.  She felt energized (huh?), and was focused (say what!).  SHE CRAVED WATER PEOPLE!!! 


So today I had so many reasons(excuses/lies) why I was not behaving.  Just a miserable day for intake and I barely moved enough to counter anything I ate and I caught my self thinking the most awful thought…

“See You are already slipping… You knew you would.”

I had a different response to it then I normally would’ve.  I didn’t agree.  I didn’t slump my shoulders and slink off knowing that there would be an “easier” time in the future.  I simply let myself have today be a “bad” day with the promise tomorrow would be a “better” day.

You see THIS time.  I am not doing it alone.  I am doing it with God.  By myself I would’ve already failed and slipped off, licking my wounded “I wishes” and ready, fully expecting, to fail.  By myself.

With God I know it’s not by my power but by HIS power and through Him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!  If I had a doubt God showed Himself through a text from my dear friend who has been gone for a week (and has been such an awesome motivator and encourager…bleh I am tearing up) I couldn’t have gotten even this far without her, there to tell me all that I am capable of and believing for me until I am able to believe on my own.  She just wanted to see how I did this week, set up plans for next week and to schedule coffee and brunch one day.  And the timing was perfect.  I had just gotten the girls down and could actually have a text talk with her without constant interruption. 


as if that wasn’t enough.  I found this when I was looking for other pictures…SO TRUE!

Well friends.  I am yawning so hard my eyes are having trouble opening back up so I am going to take that queue and head off to bed.  God Bless!

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