So as of Sunday (July 15th) I will have finished up my first 2 weeks and as I round this first milestone a full 7lbs lighter I have realized something rather shocking about myself.
I am my own worst enemy.
Humph. I would never have accused myself of such a thing except that with the 7lbs a few things have been revealed. I don’t like to fail or disappoint. I already kinda sorta knew that. BUT there is a fine line to wanting to make others happy (good thing) to not really trying or making excuses ahead of time so that when I fail/disappoint I can fall back on all the reasons (excuses…lies)why I never should’ve really been counted on in the first place to succeed (bad thing).
OR jumping in with both feet and then coming up with reasons I can’t. I have been big for so long that I can’t remember me when I was a smaller size (read: Healthier size – skinny does not equal healthy but neither done a size 26 and 270). I have always been that “fluffy” friend. Making up for that falling short feeling I get when I look at any other woman I know by being funny and kind (I am 99% sure I’ll still be like that when I reach my healthy size). Used to not being the first choice… just happy to be A choice. Never worried if I looked as nice or as “put together” as the women around me because I knew from the get go I didn’t. There’s a freedom in “fluffiness”. I can only buy certain clothes, do certain hairstyles and go to certain places because my size/weight limits me. I didn’t hold myself accountable to look as nice because I already knew I couldn’t. Pointless to run a 5k because I knew I would fail. Comfortable to have a fail proof excuse for anything going wrong.
Wanna know a secret? Tell NO ONE.
I am terrified of the small, healthy me, of what she may be capable of. These past almost 2 weeks I have caught glimpses of her. She felt energized (huh?), and was focused (say what!). SHE CRAVED WATER PEOPLE!!!
So today I had so many reasons(excuses/lies) why I was not behaving. Just a miserable day for intake and I barely moved enough to counter anything I ate and I caught my self thinking the most awful thought…
“See You are already slipping… You knew you would.”
I had a different response to it then I normally would’ve. I didn’t agree. I didn’t slump my shoulders and slink off knowing that there would be an “easier” time in the future. I simply let myself have today be a “bad” day with the promise tomorrow would be a “better” day.
You see THIS time. I am not doing it alone. I am doing it with God. By myself I would’ve already failed and slipped off, licking my wounded “I wishes” and ready, fully expecting, to fail. By myself.
With God I know it’s not by my power but by HIS power and through Him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! If I had a doubt God showed Himself through a text from my dear friend who has been gone for a week (and has been such an awesome motivator and encourager…bleh I am tearing up) I couldn’t have gotten even this far without her, there to tell me all that I am capable of and believing for me until I am able to believe on my own. She just wanted to see how I did this week, set up plans for next week and to schedule coffee and brunch one day. And the timing was perfect. I had just gotten the girls down and could actually have a text talk with her without constant interruption.
as if that wasn’t enough. I found this when I was looking for other pictures…SO TRUE!
Well friends. I am yawning so hard my eyes are having trouble opening back up so I am going to take that queue and head off to bed. God Bless!