My own worst enemy…

So as of Sunday (July 15th) I will have finished up my first 2 weeks and as I round this first milestone a full 7lbs lighter I have realized something rather shocking about myself.

I am my own worst enemy.

Humph.  I would never have accused myself of such a thing except that with the 7lbs a few things have been revealed.  I don’t like to fail or disappoint.  I already kinda sorta knew that.  BUT there is a fine line to wanting to make others happy (good thing) to not really trying or making excuses ahead of time so that when I fail/disappoint I can fall back on all the reasons (excuses…lies)why I never should’ve really been counted on in the first place to succeed (bad thing).

OR jumping in with both feet and then coming up with reasons I can’t.  I have been big for so long that I can’t remember me when I was a smaller size (read: Healthier size – skinny does not equal healthy but neither done a size 26 and 270).  I have always been that “fluffy” friend.  Making up for that falling short feeling I get when I look at any other woman I know by being funny and kind (I am 99% sure I’ll still be like that when I reach my healthy size).  Used to not being the first choice… just happy to be A choice.  Never worried if I looked as nice or as “put together” as the women around me because I knew from the get go I didn’t.  There’s a freedom in “fluffiness”.  I can only buy certain clothes, do certain hairstyles and go to certain places because my size/weight limits me.  I didn’t hold myself accountable to look as nice because I already knew I couldn’t.  Pointless to run a 5k because I knew I would fail.  Comfortable to have a fail proof excuse for anything going wrong.

Wanna know a secret?  Tell NO ONE.

I am terrified of the small, healthy me, of what she may be capable of.  These past almost 2 weeks I have caught glimpses of her.  She felt energized (huh?), and was focused (say what!).  SHE CRAVED WATER PEOPLE!!! 

So today I had so many reasons(excuses/lies) why I was not behaving.  Just a miserable day for intake and I barely moved enough to counter anything I ate and I caught my self thinking the most awful thought…

“See You are already slipping… You knew you would.”

I had a different response to it then I normally would’ve.  I didn’t agree.  I didn’t slump my shoulders and slink off knowing that there would be an “easier” time in the future.  I simply let myself have today be a “bad” day with the promise tomorrow would be a “better” day.

You see THIS time.  I am not doing it alone.  I am doing it with God.  By myself I would’ve already failed and slipped off, licking my wounded “I wishes” and ready, fully expecting, to fail.  By myself.

With God I know it’s not by my power but by HIS power and through Him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!  If I had a doubt God showed Himself through a text from my dear friend who has been gone for a week (and has been such an awesome motivator and encourager…bleh I am tearing up) I couldn’t have gotten even this far without her, there to tell me all that I am capable of and believing for me until I am able to believe on my own.  She just wanted to see how I did this week, set up plans for next week and to schedule coffee and brunch one day.  And the timing was perfect.  I had just gotten the girls down and could actually have a text talk with her without constant interruption. 

as if that wasn’t enough.  I found this when I was looking for other pictures…SO TRUE!

Well friends.  I am yawning so hard my eyes are having trouble opening back up so I am going to take that queue and head off to bed.  God Bless!

Putting things into Practise...

I have been very intentionally laying it all down to God lately. Trying to be very intentional in giving Him my concerns and fears, not allowing myself to hoard my "little" worries from God.  Acknowledging that He knows the exact number of hairs on my head as Jesus tells us in Luke 12:6-7 "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. He took the time to not just count them but PLACE them! If every single hair on my head (that is so easily cut, dyed, grown out and changed on an almost daily basis some weeks)is important enough for God to know the exact number then why on Earth am I waisting time and energy thinking or believing on any level that my worries and concerns are a burden to Him or for that one moment no matter how many times He tells me in His word or shows me in my life, how much He loves me, I still struggle to truly feel worthy of it.

Do you know the answer? I do. I am human. Yup. Human. Seems so simple. We all are so lets just pack up and go home. Doomed to struggle forever and always. Oh but WAIT!! God gave us a blessed way out. A way back to Him. It is not done by deeds or good will, nice thoughts or being in church every Sunday (Ephesians 2:8-9 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast" It was done by the Blood of Jesus (John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.")

The fact is He is paying attention.  He does not have to stop looking at one thing to see me (Psalm 33:13 From heaven the Lord looks down and sees all mankind;).  He already knows everything I have going on ...He is just waiting for me to tell Him about it; to have a relationship with Him.  The more I talk to Him, the more I listen for His reply and His desire for my life the easier and better my life is (Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.).  When I am so intentionally focused on God's will my desires line up better with His.  I start to want the things He wants for me.

In Matthew 11:28-29 Jesus says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."  Rest for our souls.  It just sounds peaceful doesn't it.  When I read that scripture I can't help but think of the peace He's offering us.  For our burdens, the things that are weighing us down, keeping us awake, sending us deep inside ourselves or out where we don't belong.  For the things we can't tell our friends, have trouble admitting to ourselves and sometimes guard closely.  For those things those BURDENS He will give.  us.  rest.  Not just a unisom, melatonin type of rest.....nothing you can get over the counter at CVS or with a prescription.  This is the absolute SOUL healing rest that can only come from Jesus.

After a week of Katie's struggle with allergies having me up at 2am for 1-2 hours and then awake again at 5am let me tell you I am weary!  There is a lot of tired in me right now and like aloe on a burn the promise that Jesus will not only take my burdens but give my soul rest, soothe the places in me that I had not realized I was sore.  Not just physically but mentally and emotionally. He soothes.

Just ask.  Just tell Him, tell Jesus those places that hurt, ask Him to show you the places you may not know are weighing you down and then to help you hand them over.  I like to think I am a honest person especially with myself but even I have to ask the Lord to show me the things I hide even from myself.  To help me let them go. 

So the challenge for this week, today maybe just a moment from now... Ask God to show you those things you hide even from yourself.  Those things that slow you down and are making you weary.  Then ask God to help you hand them over and let go of them.  Putting them completely in His hands so you can have rest for your soul.

God Bless You!