How do you hold your head?

How do you hold your head?

Everyone's different.  I would say most people in public like to look up and see where they're going.  I'm not most people.

I tend to look down just ahead of my shoes.  I've said sorry for almost bumping into someone about a million times.1  I find I do it MOST when I am in a familiar place.  Where people might see me and know me and ask questions.

I so dislike the "How are you?" question.  That's my least favorite.  Partially because it truly feels like a GO TO question... not really sincere, it's just what you say when you see someone you know (I'm guilty of it), instinctual.  A starter question for a conversation we probably don't have time for.  If we had time we'd go to Starbucks and do it right.

I'm also pretty sure that people are relieved when I answer, "Fine."  God knows my thoughts can be scary to me some days... I know they scare my hubs.  No one else needs a piece of that...no one wants a piece of that.2

If you think somethings odd that you do and you don't change it, does that make it more odd, odd-er.3  I tend to follow my feet when I'm in a more familiar place then when I am in a new or rarely seen place.  At home going into Walmart it's head down, bulldoze through, get out... Put me in a new city or Disney World4 and I'm a big eyed country bumpkin totally in awe of the see-through doors in the parking garage's elevator or the buildings that are higher then 4 stories... Those are non-existent in my town... I love to travel, I love preparing to travel, researching where we are going and having an itinerary... sigh. 

I'm working on holding my head up regardless of my surroundings.  I catch myself doing it, consider my thoughts that are making me want to hide and force my head up, most days.  Some days the strength I used to go to the store and get the vitals for my family to keep going for a few more days is all the strength I have.

I've been fighting who I am, a big part of who I am for so long that it's even unfamiliar to me.  Being able to hold your head up means being able to accept who you are.  So in a figurative holding up of my head....

Here's who I am.  I am a woman that struggles with depression, anxiety, some phobias, insecurity about myself and the quality of mom I am.  I'm sure at least once a week my hubs is going to leave me because of my mental issues, some days I want to leave me because of my mental issues.  I enjoy making people laugh because that truly gives me a feeling of joy.  I make jokes about myself because I want to beat anyone else to it.  I'm goofy, open hearted, gullible, kind, passive-aggressive, tender hearted, exhausted, struggling, smart and a wife, mother, friend in that order.  I like big cities and I'm growing more confident about driving more than 2 hours away from my husband,  He's growing more confident about it too.  I have a 10 month old Yorkie named Penny.5 She is both adorable and at times a pain in my patootie.  My husband is my best friend.6  My girls are fascinating, intelligent, happy, polite, funny kids and I'm scared everyday they'll have too much of me in them.  I hope they never go to the places in their heads I've been in mine.  They are both so different from each other.  They both have their own likes, dislikes, and are so proudly themselves that I am amazed and also jealous sometimes.

I am me... I accept who I am..All my minuses and all my pluses.

What are you going to be for Halloween?  I'm going to be a nerd... well,,, a more obvious one.

Tootles,
Melissa

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1.If you're one of those someone's sorry again!
2.Well maybe a few in my inner circle like to see the inside of my head - but that's why they are the inner circle. They're weird like that.
3.Pretty sure odder is not a word because it's too close to otter and that would really cause a lot of confusion...but then I think of the phrase I've heard,"It's been one of my odder days..." and now I'm wondering if they actually said it's been one of my OTTER days and that I should have followed up on that....
4.Disney IS a magical place because when I'm there I not only look up but I talk to all kinds of different people.  Our last visit I met some Canadans from Ontario who only had a smidge of what I'd consider a Canadian accent (which is strangely a lot like the people in Fargo and that's not even IN Canada - I make no sense)and they said I had a really strong southern accent that I didn't know I possessed.  It's like a super power now.
5.Penny is precious in her complete and absolute love.  She can be a ray of light when I'm having a truly dark day.  It's like she senses that I need her to chase her tail.
6.I know cliche but true.

Me and my internet

Hi...

Ummm...

Anyone There?

At this point I'm pretty sure I'm typing to myself.  I guess to begin on the road of blogger, and stop just flirting with it, I have to be ok with that.  IF there is someone reading... I'm so glad you stopped by and I hope you can relate to my blog or it gives you insight... or just makes you LOL.  Tell a friend.  Tweet about it, I've heard the word "Twerk" but I'm not the hippest lingo mom and I'm not sure what that means.  It sounds dirty.  If it's not, go ahead and twerk the heck out of my blog.

I wish I could tell you that I come here everyday... but some days I struggle to shower.  On those days I'm going to pick shower over blog... It's necessary.  I am going to try for closer then 2-4 months though.  I like imagining people from everywhere reading what I write and getting a sense of company.  The amazing Jenny Lawson, author of "Furiously Happy" says that there is a tribe of mentally ill people (I think mostly women because men really don't like to share their feelings) that are united by the internet.  We can cheer each other on, empathize for a rough day or just shoot an emoji at someone that is weighing on our mind.  

It's over the internet because Internet(that's the internet's name after all) doesn't judge us.  I We can have Dorito cheesy fingers and still be in our PJ's at 2pm and Internet is still a gracious host.  Usually.  Occasionally Internet can be a brat and go out for no explainable reason causing me to have a small panic attack as I think of 50 million reasons I need the internet NOW.  I can tell you from personal experience unplugging, counting to 30 and then plugging it back in is some morbid ritual the bored techs at the cable company thought of to make their jobs more fun, "Ms. Holt, It's Bob again.  I know you've tried this 49,999 times but I can see nothing else wrong.  So I have something else that may work.  Please unplug (snicker) you're internet again (snicker snicker), rub the box on your head, twirl it like a basketball on one finger(snort, cough), rub the box on your butt till it's nice and toasty and then plug it back in.  That worked?  Great!! Thank You for choosing our cable service," and all you hear is like 15 people laughing as you hang up.... That's what I imagine sometimes.  One day I'm going to get that Bob.  Okay... maybe it wasn't 49,999 attempts and I may be exaggerating a smidge on what "Bob" ask me to do but it feels like it occasionally... especially when it takes longer than 30 minutes to fix itself.  Internet is oxygen some days.

Typical me note: I didn't write down a single of those "things" that were of serious importance, so now I can't remember what I needed to do and will now go window shop at zulily.com .  They have tons of stuff I want need.  I'm pretty sure I've earned it.  The other stuff I'll remember eventually.  Right?

Tootles,
Melissa H


P.s. After I posted I realized that I was not clear in one section of this post... I take SHOWERS every 3-5 DAYS.  I hope to increase my BLOGGING frequency to more then my current average of 2-4 MONTHS.  Totally being honest about the showers.  Hubs keeps track and will remind me.  I hope that made someone say phew.  

Winding Up July

Hello to all 4 of my followers and anyone else that stumbles across this post.  I felt that since it's been awhile since I posted I would go ahead and give a brief rundown of what the family's up to.  Since it's summertime the girls and I have a pretty laid back calendar and hubby is just as busy as always.

Starting with the hubs:  Between work being especially busy requiring overtime, condos that allow us to take fun vacations and Jujitsu that helps him de-stress and socialize.  He is one busy cookie.  I do not envy his schedule at all and I am thankful he's willing and eager to break from it so we can all go away together.

Now my turn:  I am recovering from ACL Surgery (Tore a tendon in my knee) and dreading looking forward to school starting.  When school starts we have to wake up at 5am so my 5 year old and 9 year old can be on their bus by 6:15ish.  I recently purchased a Erin Condren Planner (following the link will get you $10 off your first order) and admit I enjoy using it.  It has soooo much space and I have a justified reason to play with stickers.  It's even made meal planning feel like a more achievable goal.  I find I do much better and have much less anxiety with a physical planner that I can look at to see what's going on.

My Oldest Katie: She is going into 4th grade this year.  She has evolved over the summer and is more aware of how she looks.  She has to fru fru a bit just to take the dog on a walk("Really mom who knows who I might run into").  While it's neat to see her actually caring I am relieved that she also has no problems playing in the rain or catching frogs with her friend across the street.  She has a kind heart that immediately reaches out to someone she sees hurting or sad.  Her wit is going to get the better of her until she learns to switch from talking to my friends and talking to my mom.  She's my thinker, viewing her surroundings before she jumps in, not shy as much as cautious.  She is willing to be goofy and loves making others laugh. She's struggling to become a Big Kid and doesn't really even know what that means making it that much harder.  She only knows that's the next step and she's anxious to take it.  This year (bragging mama moment) she's been accepted to the gifted class, she's in the local community choir and wants to start more actively acting.  She wanted to do so professionally and after hubby and I talked to each other we told her that for now that was not an option.  There is a children's theater 45 minutes away that we may take a stab at though.

My Youngest Emily: She starts Kindergarten this year... my mommy heart aches for her.  She hasn't been away from me much in the 5 years she's been on this planet and 8 hours a day/ 5 days a week seems like so much!   While I know we'll both appreciate the break and probably appreciate each other more it's still daunting to me.  I went from work, to SAHM and now to SAHM with actual time on her hands.  Emily is my tester... It will be interesting to see how she reacts to the rules of school though she did excellent in preschool so we'll see.  She likes to go for it with 100% and suffer any consequences later.  Her imagination is awe-inspiring and knows no bounds.  For the 90% of the time she's awake she's laughing or talking.  She's an adorable sneak that will try to get forbidden food not realizing she's always being watched...  She's no longer allowed to just walk into the kitchen, she has to get permission.  It'll be interesting to see how she takes this bigger pond on.

 In a few days we will be going to see my dad and meet his new girlfriend and 2 of her kids.  It will be a quick trip and I'm looking forward to it.  Hubby's going with and all in all it should be a nice trip.

Off I go...I'll post again SOON!
Melissa